HOW TO QUIT SMOKING EVERY DAY

Not long ago, you and I suffered through another horror when we decided to lose weight, and I told you that we’d be better served if we all ate our diet books for dinner because at least then we’d have more fiber in our innards.

Take away all the fatzillion dollars raked in by all the weight-loss wizards, diet gurus and pharmaceutical sideshows, and there’s still only one way to safely and effectively drop the pounds: Eat good foods more; eat bad foods less, and get off the couch.

(Humorist´s pet peeve: Please don´t spend a fortune on expensive and over-promoted exercise machines that simulate walking and bending. Here's a tip: Try WALKING and BENDING.)

Now, here you are a few months later, slimmer and still slimming, but you’ve been smoking for so long, that the idea of not smoking sounds like not breathing. It’s really not true. It you want to quit smoking, it’s just as simple as losing weight. Simpler, even.

Whoa, my fellow addicts … I said simple, not easy. And, yes, we can call ourselves “smoking enthusiasts” if that helps ease you through this.

Now, where to start stopping? Go to the Google, type in the words “Quit Smoking,” and watch as more than seven million webmaster “experts” pop up, each one ready to escort you off tobacco road with a one-click cure-all.

Some of them might work; most of them won’t, and their prescribers will be happy to separate you from all or part of your paycheck, either way. Seven million paths to second opinions in the Google Land of smokes and mirrors? Okay, let’s see some of what the good web doctors have to offer:

First up: the smokeless “e-smokes” (electronic cigarettes, pipes and cigars). My research here started and stopped when I discovered that these smoking substitutes need batteries, and “it is recommended that you keep the devices away from water.”

Really? Don’t our mouths operate on water?

I’d stay away from these. Between phones, remotes, cameras and bathroom scales you already have enough battery rechargers in your house, and I’ve done the hard part for you: I’ve just watched the promotional video of four postprandial, smoke-free smokers in a fine restaurant, all smoking their smokeless smokes, sucking on their electro-butts and blowing out imaginary smoke like jittery suspects in a mad hatter’s holding cell interrogation.

Ever see a kid “smoke” a candy cigarette? That’s how you’ll look as a grown-up.

Forget the e-puff methods; go back and scroll down. Now they’re coming at you with hypnotic triggers, skin patches, chewing gums and acupunctures. Here are the fake cigarettes, herbal cigarettes, sublingual homeopathic sprays, extended filter perforators, aversion therapies, chewable tablets, behavior modification videos, no-smoking seminar audios, quitter’s testimonial CD’s, nicotine substitute inhalers, lozenges, oils, powders and salves.

There’s even “Snuffdogs,” a company that provides on-site, specially-trained, quit-smoking attack dogs, complete with their handlers and accessories for private, intensive home interventions.

(Okay, I made that last one up, but let’s be honest: as a hardcore butt fiend, you almost bought it, because it sounded like the solution that finally just might work for you.).

Moving on: Folks, if you act now, you can have their refillable e-butt cartridges, replacement capsules, smoke-a-dope pamphlets, books, brochures and smoker’s vitamins in the mail today. There they are: Quit in 30 days! Quit in 7 days! Quit in 3 days! Quit in seconds! (I think that last one may require a tall building).

Or, with a couple of well-placed hyperlinks, the experienced Googlers among us will know how and where to find the more “unusual” remedies and sworn methodologies on how to whack the weed from our lifelong lawns of addiction. How about:

Earlobe electrodes. “Medicinal” mushrooms. Having a friend lock you up for three weeks. One man (who apparently had no friends) took it a step further, and suggested that you “get yourself arrested and go to jail for 30 days. Worked for me.”

Uh … would YOU know which law, and to just what degree you’d have to violate it, to only do a month-long stretch in the hoosegow? If you do, you’ve probably used the Big House method to not quit smoking before.

One quitter swears by a teaspoon of cream-of-tartar in orange juice every bedtime. Another soaked his cigarette packs in gasoline but didn’t throw them out (now there’s a true test of temptation resisted). Others suggest placing a block of ice on your forehead “as often as you can stand it,” or humming constantly in a low tone, or peeling oranges all day, or taking a shower instead of lighting up. There are lists of other alternative and less soggy activities that “keep your hands busy doing something else.”

Be creative. Be fun. Try to be legal.

My favorite method of compensatory puffing came from someone named “Smokescreen642” (probably not his real number) on a quit smoking message board. He claimed: “I put all my cigarettes in a locked box and hid the key.” That was his last post to the group. I’m assuming he’s since been spending frantic nights at home winning and losing at solo tic-tac-toe, and trying to wring a confession out of himself.

Maybe you need a good juicy quotation to inspire you? Well, there are more pithy sayings for quitting smoking than there are political mixed metaphors, and that’s more than you can walk softly and shake a big stick at.

It’s hard to beat the pathos in Fletcher Knebel’s “Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics,” but I’m most fond of Mark Twain’s “Quitting smoking is easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.” I’ll leave you to find your own.

So, what’s the simple answer to going smokeless and/or juiceless (for the chewers) after a lifetime of smoking and/or chewing tobacco?

You’re asking a man who just did it after forty years, and in less than 3 seconds, and without the tall building or a rechargeable therapist or the earlobe shock treatments or seven million web quacks.

To quit smoking, you must QUIT SMOKING. It’s the only thing that works. But, there are seven variations on the theme, one for each day of your week from hell.

To this end, I’m making a “How To Quit Smoking Every Day” video series, beginning HERE with Monday’s solution: “The Straight Flush.” Stay tuned; calm down, breathe in, breathe out.

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Copyright 2008 B. Elwin Sherman. All rights reserved.This content is protected by intellectual property laws, including U.S. copyright laws. Electronic or print reproduction, adaptation, or distribution without permission is prohibited. Ordinary links to this column at http://humoristonloan.squarespace.com may be distributed without written permission.

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