dulce bellum inexpertis

("War is sweet for those who have not tried it.")

--- Pindar

Born on Halloween, 1924.

  Died too soon, 1972.

  Thank you for my male pattern baldness, my sense of humor, and my balls.  Spook softly, Dad.

;

OMIGOD ... It's ... it's ...

PINKINHEAD THE HORRIBLE!

Happy Halloween, all! (Any resemblance to Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity or Glenn Beck is purely intentional.)

All best,

  El

Join me on FACEBOOK!

 Okay, my fair FaceBookers, here's the deal:

On October 18th, 2008, there I was, driving along at night on a remote rural road, trying to light a cigarette.

Only one problem:  I WAS ALSO HAVING A HARD TIME BREATHING.

Enter my epiphany (or my vision, or my conscience, or the little man in my head, or the Supreme Being, or whatever works for you).

This internal messenger said: "Well, Hell, Elwin, why don't you just go home, get your pistol, stick THAT in your mouth and fire it up, because if you're too stupid to see what's happening at this point, after 40 years of smoking, then I can't help you."

Something like that.

So ... there I was ... driving along, breathless, cigarette dangling, truck swerving, and I had a meeting of minds with myself (a short trip, but very effective).

Out the window went the cigarette(s), the lighter, the pack, and I haven't smoked since.

Here's a picture of a cigarette I set up that night on my desk ashtray, along with the five packs of butts I had left.  THEY'VE BEEN SITTING THERE, JUST LIKE THAT, for a year.

Denial is no damn good without free will, eh?  And, as temptation resisted is the true measure of character, I find myself today with more character than any man deserves.   

So, to celebrate my smoke-free anniversary, I'm giving away a rare signed & dedicated copy of my favorite author's favorite book: "TOOLKIT IN PARADISE -- The Self-Helpless Guide To A Decade Of American Wit And Wisdom." 

TO WIN:  Just answer a simple question: "How will B. Elwin's Not Smoking Save The World? 

(Yes, I have talked to my shrink about my grandeurism, but what does SHE know, the peasant.)

I'll announce the winner here.  Contest limited to my Facebook friends and their employers.  (If you're not working, whathehell are you doing wasting time in here?)  Smokers may enter without fear of my proselytizing.  (They shoot high-horses, don't they?)  With my history, that would be the height of arrogance, and believe me, if there was a way for me to have a butt without smoking, I'd do it. 

Thanks for entering!
    Best, El

FAQ:  Geesh, Elwin, I don't have a FaceBook account.  Can't I enter the contest here?
ANSWER:  No Facebook account?  Whadayou, strange?  Come back later and I'll tell you about those newfangled lighter-than-air machines and indoor plumbing.

FAQ:  Geesh, Elwin, how can you afford to give away and ship a free book?
ANSWER:  A carton a week times 52 weeks. Fifty bucks a carton.  That's how.  Plus, I would like someone to have a copy of this book besides my mother and my therapist.

FAQ:  Geesh, Elwin, what are the odds of winning?
ANSWER:  Nothing compared to the odds of losing if you don't enter.

FAQ:  Geesh, Elwin isn't this just a cheap publicity stunt?
ANSWER:  No.  I could've called it the "All Book, No Balloon Boy Butt" Contest.  (See: temptation, resisted, character)

FAQ:  Geesh, Elwin, why is my question never in the FAQ section of these things?
ANSWER:  Good question.

Special thanks to DAVID NEIWERT on Crooks & Liars

 

 And I can see a diktionary (sp?) from my house!

Let's look at the word ROGUE, as noun: "Scoundrel, dishonest, tramp, vagabond."

As adjective: "Having an abnormally savage or unpredictable disposition."

As verb: "To uproot or destroy."

We'll get back to ya, Sarah.

Betcha by golly gee.

             * * * * *

 Paid for by:

 Americans for the Americanization of an American America.  Washington, DC)

 AAAA Facebook Group Site

 " ... Ever ask one of these brass hats to outline, in detail, a post-lost war America?  They can't.  It's like trying to describe two a.m in heaven.  Now comes General McChrystal, saying we need to troop-it-up in Afghanistan, and it's deja vu all over again.

But, let's say we withdrew and officially lost the Afghanistan war.  Reaction from most of America?  'Fine, but are my two-for-one McDonald's Angus Burger coupons still good?'

ONCE AND FOR ALL, GENERALS:  There is no 'winning' or 'losing' these wars.  You're playing football on a tennis court ...."

     --- EPONYMOUS

UPDATE 09/25/09:  General McChrystal Ball tells 60 Minutes that the Afghan violence is "more than I would have gathered," and "you can't kid yourself that you know what's going on."  5 soldiers dead today.  I'll bet THEY know.  I'll bet their FAMILIES know.  You're fired, you vainglorious basterd.