U.S. CONGRESSMAN ADMITS TO "SQUEAKY CLEAN" LIFE

Confesses To No Affairs, No Indiscretions, No Flirtations, No Vices

"Believe It Or Not, I'm Squeaky Clean," Declares California Pol

College Testimonial Confirms Congressman Brad Sherman's Unique Claim

() Disassociated Press

by B. Elwin Sherman -- The Washingtoneerian

WASHINGTON, DC (DP) -- U.S. Congressman Bradley J. "Brad" Sherman (D-CA), long-considered as never having any political future beyond his current job, today announced that he's "always been the most boring person I know."

He added: "I wish I had the two-timing, daring, hypocritical balls of a John Ensign, my Senate colleague, but I just don't. Heck, I could never even bring myself to cheat at solitaire."

He was referring to the Nevada Republican Senator who recently confessed to having an extramarital affair while maintaining a "strong family values" public profile.

Congressman Sherman's claim of a humdrum life of fidelity and devotion to duty was backed up by a former classmate at Harvard Law School:

"He's for real," states Hugh McIntyre, now a highly successful divorce lawyer in Dallas. "Brad never smoked, drank, or philandered. Boring? He could make a fencepost mute. We were roommates for a semester, and the most excited I ever saw him get was during his 'mock accountancy drill' when he'd audit his own tax return."

This report was confirmed by Congressman Sherman: "Yes, I remember Hugh. I did his tax returns one year. He spent all his time nailing anything that wasn't screwed down, or is that vice versa?"

Sherman, once a less-than-fiery and nearly forgettable member of the Subcommittee on Financial Institutions and Consumer Credit, has no immediate plans to change his lifestyle.

This is just fine with his wife, the former Ms. Lisa Nicola Kaplan, a foreign affairs officer for the U.S. Stage Department, and herself "the only other person in the world I know more boring than Brad."

She added:  "Sometimes I just pray for a cloudy day, just once.  Know what I mean?"

Stay tuned.