NEW HAMPSHIRE SENATOR SEEKS TO ARM BEARS IN NATIONAL PARKS

Law Would Protect Granite State's Bruins From Gun-Toting Tourists

Move Endorsed by Iconic Forestry Symbol

Smokey Bear: "Just in friggin' time."

() Disassociated Press

by B. Elwin Sherman -- Camping Outdoors Magazine

Washington, DC (DP) -- Fresh from the Congressional votes to restore a Bush Administration policy allowing loaded weapons in national parks, New Hampshire Republican Senator Judd Gregg introduced legislation today that would also allow one of the park system's most popular large animal residents to carry guns.

"Just in friggin' time," said Smokey Bear, United States Forest Service mascot. "Better two hundred years late than never."

Smokey cited the long-contested U.S. Constitution's Second Amendment, which reads in part: "bear arms."

"Read it and weep," said Smokey. "Doesn't take brain surgery on a rocket scientist to know that if the founding fathers had wanted raccoon arms, or muskrat arms, or porcupine arms, they would've said so. It's right there: 'BEAR arms.' Get a grip."

The proposed bill has already gathered an unlikely proponent -- Paul Helmke, president of The Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence -- who endorses the legislation "in spirit."

"Listen, we're the last people who want to put weapons in the hands of dumb animals, but that's never stopped Congress and the NRA before. At least now, this 'equalizer' may thin those elements of the human herd who shoot first and refuse to answer questions later."

Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.
Stay tuned.