EVERYONE IN AMERICA APOLOGIZES TO RUSH LIMBAUGH

"Still World's Biggest Asshole, But We Are Sorry" Says USA

Only Al Franken Withholds Apology

Drug Giant Purdue Pharma Honors Radio Schlock Talk Jock With New Painkiller: "Rushritin"

( ) Disassociated Press

by B. Elwin Sherman - Mortar & Pestle News

AVENUE OF THE AMERICAS, NEW YORK -- (DP) What do 305,960,211 (and counting) people have in common with Rush Limbaugh?  According to the U.S. Census Bureau, that's the current population of the United States, (not counting Senator-Elect Al Franken of Minnesota) and the same number of recorded apologies Rush Limbaugh has received.

"The numbers don't lie," said USCB Director Steven H. Murdock, "and I ought to know.  I live by numbers.  I love numbers.  If you wanted to know, for example, how many BM's I've had in the last year?  I could tell you, broken down by colors, textures and consistencies."

Director Murdock did confirm to this reporter that the precise number of apologetic missives was provided by a host of self-proclaimed "Dittohead" mailroom staffers at Limbaugh's Excellence In Broadcasting suites.

"I'm not sure how many BM's they've had up there.  A lot of indiscretionary shit routinely passes over the EIB Network's airwaves, but give me a few days and I'll flush those stats out for you."

Meanwhile, an unnamed source at or near Senator-Elect Al Franken's office issued this statement:  "Senator-Elect Franken will never apologize to the big fat idiot.  If that makes him the last unrepentant American, so be it.  At least he's regular."

Purdue Pharma, makers of Oxycontin -- the controlled-release and chronically constipating opioid analgesic that was illegally obtained and self-administered by "El Rushbo" for so many years -- will also not apologize for long-providing an addictive substance to such a substance-addictive personality.

"We're only sorry he's not still using," said Jim Dolan, Senior Vice President of Licensing and Business Development for P.P.  "The Rush-Man was a valued customer, and his mega-dosing regimens are legendary around here."

Final testing is complete and FDA approval is expected later this year for "Rushritin" -- P.P.'s new narcotic painkiller named in his honor.  "We're very excited about it," said Dolan.  "It's a whole new concept in long-term pain management:  The patients will take increasingly larger amounts over decreasingly smaller intervals, until they either go deaf n' crazy or their housekeepers rat them out.  No prescription necessary, of course."

Meanwhile, next-generational letters of apology may be forwarded to Mr. Limbaugh at: BigFatIdiot .

And, back by popular demand, this reporter is providing the link below for "Rush The Magic Limbaugh," his video spoof of El Rushbo's spoof of our current President, "Barack The Magic Negro."  As usual, for optimum viewing of anything Limbaughian, please first tie half your brain behind your back:

Stay Tuned.