SCIENTISTS DISCOVER "AQUA-MAN" CHEMICAL IN MARIJUANA

All-Time Gold Medal Olympian Phelps A Fast Fluke?

Same Mysterious Substance Found In Sailfish DNA

Swimming Stoned

() Disassociated Press

 by B. Elwin Sherman -- Water Jocks Monthly

WOODS HOLE, MA -- (DP) A researcher at the Marine Biological Laboratory here has made a startling discovery: smoking marijuana may make you a super swimmer. 

"It's incredible, but true," says Dr. Gill Laser, senior molecular physiologist at the MBL's BioCurrents Research Center. "We've isolated a trace chemical element in marijuana that appears in the DNA of the sea's fastest creatures." 

Dr. Laser admits that the new evidence "surfaced like scientific evidence often does -- as a lucky accident." He added: "My team was testing the effects of prolonged exposure to mind-altering drugs on Sailfish.  It was 2 a.m., and we all had a bad case of the munchies.  Right in the middle of our fourth pizza, there it was.  Wow." 

What was "IT?" Nothing less than proof that the Sailfish, (arguably our underwater world's fastest swimmer) along with the Yellowfin Tuna, Dall's Porpoise, Swordfish and the California Sea Lion, shares a common biochemical substance with any plant of the genus Cannabis. 

This new material now suggests that some humans who routinely ingest marijuana, particularly via a water pipe device, or "bong," may assimilate the speed prowess of these superfast sea creatures.  Dr. Laser could not say why some users are greatly affected, while others are not.

 "We think it may have something to do with the fact that if you're already a great athlete, it will complement your natural ability," he said.  "Far out, man." 

But, could the effect of smoking marijuana for these competitors produce a "super" swimmer, e.g. a man who could break the all-time record for number of Olympic gold medals? 

"Yes, it's possible," said Dr. Laser. "Even with occasional use, an already genetically superior athlete like, say, a Michael Phelps, could conceivably hold seven world records in swimming, or win 14 career Olympic gold medals, the most by anyone, ever, in Olympic history." 

He then debunked what has long been a scientific myth:  "I know you'll think I'm stoned for saying it, but because of these new findings, we now believe that a Michael Phelps could even still be a decent human being and a fine role model," he said. 

"Parents should take caution, though," he warned.  "Unless they want to risk having their children mature into world-class athletes, and until our research is complete, they should discourage the use of marijuana." 

Stay tuned.

Comments

[sue z]

ha! ha! ha!
i about died laughing when i saw george bush holding the american flag with mj on it. rick too.
thanks for the laugh.

[?confusion?]

I'm so confused, is this a real article about real scientific research?