HO HO HOLDUP? SANTA SEEKS HISTORIC BAILOUT
Wednesday, December 3, 2008 at 9:04AM 
St. Nick Gives Up Private Corporate Sleigh For Hybrid Toboggan
-- Reindeer Gone --
Rudolph To Carry Entire Load
Famed "Santa's Workshop" Headed For China?
() Disassociated Press
by B. Elwin Sherman -- The Yuletide Snoop
WASHINGTON, DC -- (DP) In an unprecedented move, but one seen as inevitable by the nation's top economists, "Father Christmas," aka Santa Claus, today joined the nation's long list of banking and auto industry executives who've come to Capitol Hill seeking taxpayer bailouts.
Testifying before the House Financial Services Committee, the typically jolly Mr. Claus had little to laugh about: "We're tapped out at the Pole," said the Old Elf. "We were counting on a resurgence of the Cabbage Patch and Beanie Baby models, but the orders dropped off and we completely missed the boat on virtual toys. And, let's face it, Christmas cheer has tanked."
Committee Chairman Joe Lieberman (ID - Connecticut) was typically nonplussed, responding, "Well, Mr. Claus, you're probably wondering what a non-Christian Jew like me is doing chairing a hearing on Christmas red ink in the wrong Congressional chamber like this."
"Doesn't matter to me, Senator" snapped the star witness, adding: "If I had the money, I'd still have a lump of coal with your name on it."
The Old Gnome then announced that if the funds to shore up the North Pole operations were not immediately appropriated, we might be celebrating the last traditional Christmas in America.
"Look, I've received a tender offer from three Chinese investors for the whole caboodle. If Congress doesn't act today, I'll be packing it up in 2009. You want three million unemployed elves and eight starving reindeer on your hands? And, Rudolph will go one more season, but that's it. The old glow just isn't there."
This reporter confirmed that the Chinese company Cheng Ho Toys has joined with Xaing Bin Ho Playcrafts International and Wi Wan Ho Miniatures in making a multi-craptillion dollar offer for Kringle Enterprises.
Thus, the combined firms of Ho, Ho, and Ho could indeed emerge as the premier worldwide manufacturers of yuletide gifts.
In the U.S.A., Christmas Eve home deliveries would also eventually be suspended, as "San-Mart" distribution centers replace Santa's old routes.
Stay tuned.
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Reader Comments (3)
awesomeley funny....
Excellent timing, EL.
My annual Christmas in Cleveland was surprisingly worse than usual. When I /finally/ got home, reading your recent columns sent all the dark clouds away. It gave me as much a lift as any gift or card I received.
Not to change the subject;
One score and four years ago on the day of the Great American Smokeout, I turned my back on tobacco. Tips for avoiding the noxious weed will follow.
Bob
PS, see if food doesn't begin tasting better after your burnt taste buds grow back.
Bob:
Sorry to hear that your Christmas came up short in the merry department, but glad to hear that visiting here helped. Thanks for the post. I'll look forward to seeing your post-puffing tips.
Four more quit-smoking video days of the week to go. I'm working on 'em.
I quit smoking on October 18th, 9:46 p.m. EST, on Route 302, mile marker 25. I can show you the bush where the butts landed when I tossed them out of the truck.
But, we all have different ways and means of starting and stopping anything (good thing, too, otherwise marathon finish lines would be chaos).
I'm hoping that my 7-day quit methods will cover the waterfront ....
All best,
El