TED STEVENS TO HOST NEW UNREALITY SHOW

"Senior Survivors" Will Showcase Crazy Elders

"Deniability A Must" Says TV Exec

Network Swamped With Applicants

() Disassociated Press

by B. Elwin Sherman -- Senior Life Guardian

ANCHORAGE, Alaska -- (DP)  It appears that the fate of Republican Senator Ted Stevens will not be determined by election results, the justice system or the U.S. Senate, but rather by network programmers at Fox Television.

Executives at Fox confirmed today that Stevens will host "SENIOR SURVIVORS," a new "unreality" show that will pit disoriented elder contestants against each other in dull, remote facilities -- usually one-level locations with long hallways, underpaid staffers, and ungrateful nephews who never visit or send thank-you cards. 

"Bottom line is: It's essential that every competitor have no short-term memory," said Nils Fleabane, executive producer for the new show.   "And, obviously, the more infamous events they can't remember, the better," he added.  "We want the cream of the absent-minded."

He confirmed that this criteria had heavily favored the Alaska senator.  "Obviously, this made him our top choice for host," said Fleabane.  "When you can remember your paper boy route from 1932, but not your seven felony convictions from last month, you're our guy."

He went on to list other early hopefuls who'd sent in applications, showing this reporter a promising video submitted by a wide-eyed, animated gentleman.  On film, the man claims he remembers how many double-scoop root beer floats he'd sold (seventy-three) as a soda jerk in Omaha, Nebraska on July 4th, 1930. 

Then, off-camera, a voice is heard asking him if he remembers driving his nephew's car into the bank lobby on Election Day, and the man's face goes blank.

"We desperately wanted him for our first show," said an excited Fleabane.  "Problem is, he'd forgotten to put a return address on the envelope.   Too bad."

Aside from the obvious star attraction, Senator Stevens' role as host will be primarily to oversee dramatic little contests to determine which contestants can forget the most significant details first.

Meanwhile, in a related story, Sarah Palin again denied today that her husband, Todd, is pressuring their daughter Bristol to name her new baby "Bullwinkle."

"That's just more garbage-y talk from those trashy spoiled sportsters," she said.  "Doncha know I won't be recontributing to that junky stuff."

Comments

[gooarly]

A VERY FUNNY MAN.. KEEP WRITING B. ELWIN.....

[Rick]

Geez. Is that William Burroughs with the body target?

[B. Elwin Sherman]

Thanks for the comment/question, Rick.

Uh ... not sure, but that's a near ringer for the elder Bill, eh?

Perhaps if he'd used the target instead of his wife in that "William Tell" incident.....

All best,
El