CANCER RATES IN NEW HAMPSHIRE TOWN LINKED TO HISTORIC THEATER

"Artsy-Fartsy" Movies Source of Increased Terminal Illnesses In Bethlehem?  

() Disassociated Press

by B. Elwin Sherman -- The Freelance Culturalist 

BETHLEHEM, NH -- (DP)  Will your hoity-toity taste in movies kill you?  A New Hampshire State environmental official says that an increase in cancer rates in this sleepy NH town may be related to an overexposure by some residents to avant-garde films.

Incredibly, this comes a week after this same official said that the North Contry Environmental Services (NCES) landfill could not be linked to the elevated rates of breast cancer, leukemia, and pancreatic cancer in Bethlehem.

In that report, it was confirmed that high rates of arsenic and chromium-six from the landfill had been detected in the nearby Ammonoosuc River, but as the state official responded: "Big deal.  Bunch of whiners.  You can get sicker watching a dirty foreign artsy-fartsy movie, and that town's got plenty of 'em."

He was refererring to Bethlehem's historic Colonial Theater, where groundbreaking, often award-winning artsy-fartsy movies are regularly featured.

One Bethlehem resident suffering from an advanced cancer, and who asked not to be named, told this reporter: "Well, yes, I've gone to several artsy-fartsy movies at the Colonial over the years, but I really don't think they immuno-suppressed my pancreas."

State epidemiologist Dr. Jose Montero also said that there was not enough information to determine exactly what is causing the spike in new cancers, but he is "trying to go back and check the clinical records." 

When asked by this reporter whyinhell anyone with half a brain or who didn't have ulterior motives would not "check the clinical records" FIRST, before drawing ANY conclusions, Dr. Montero said: "Screw you.  I have to spend most of my time explaining what an 'epidemiologist' is."

Everyone's investigation is continuing.  Stay tuned.