FAMILY OF "UNAMERICANS" FOUND IN PENNSYLVANIA

Subversive Group Practices Ancient Art of Family Values

() Disassociated Press

by B. Elwin Sherman -- Life & Leisure Editor

Flagship, Pennsylvania -- (DP) Though long believed to have disappeared from the domestic American landscape, a nuclear family of subversive citizens has been discovered in rural Pennsylvania.

Incredibly, the insurgent activities of the Alger Stampley family were discovered recently when Hammer Stampley, age 12, refused to participate in hockey tryouts at Flagship Junior High School. This prompted an investigation by local authorities, which revealed a stunning history of Unamerican behavior:

-- Alger Stampley is not a hunter, nor does he own an automatic weapon. He has no credit cards, pays for everything in cash, has never shot a wolf from an airplane, and rides a bicycle to and from his 80-hour-a-week job "to save gas, do my bit to protect the environment, and to keep fit."

-- Mrs. Stampley, along with their four children - Hammer, Becky, Trooper & Scud -- tend the victory gardens on their small farm which provide the family's food supply. She cans vegetables, makes all the family clothing, and still uses a wringer-washer and clothesline. The children share all the household chores, and take turns attending the needs of Alger Stampley's elder parents living in a downstairs apartment.

-- The Stampley children also make their own toys, and divide their after school time running paper routes, babysitting for their neighbors, and keeping a roadside lemonade stand, "when they're not busy doing their homework," Mrs. Stampley adds.

-- The children have all been taught from an early age about the dangers of STD's, inappropriate touching from strangers, and how to stretch their allowances. After dining together as a family and when they've finished doing the dishes, the Stampley kids read aloud to each other from books and newspapers every evening.

Mrs. Stampley said: "It's not that Hammer didn't want to play hockey, but he had to choose between hockey practice and caring for his grandparents. Hockey practices are held on the days we take Mom and Dad to the clinic for their treatments, and he preferred to be there to help push the wheelchairs. He's a good boy."

This reporter has also learned that the Stampley children paid no income taxes on the $42.15 they made this past summer at their lemonade stand. They instead used all the proceeds to purchase Pampers for the elder Stampleys.

The IRS is investigating. Stay tuned.

Comments

[garley]

very funny and true.. great....

[Anonymous]

Terrorists! KILL THEM!