Dear Mr. Sherman,

     Thank you for contacting Progressive.
     I am happy to help explain our cancellation fee. This fee covers our administrative expenses incurred as a result of canceling your policy.
     A review of your policy contract (p. 24) indicates that “A cancellation fee will be charged only during the initial policy period.”   The “initial policy period” is your first policy term with us.
     I hope this information is helpful.

Sincerely,

Karen J.
Progressive Internet Representative
*****************

Dear Karen J.:
 
     Thank you for the prompt response.  As I expected, you're denying my "claim."
     Yes, I can quote from the text just like you, but I do love your caveat at the end: "The initial policy period is your first policy term with us."
     Okay, I want to be clear on this.  The initial policy period is ... well ... what you now say it is.  Quoting from insurance company lingo is like quoting from the Bible.  It means what it means to the person meaning it, and can be reinterpreted at any time by the meaner--I mean the preacher--I mean the adjuster--defining it.  A poetic notion, but I’m with you: give me a proverb from the Book Of Actuarials any day.
     So now, in the Rules We Just Invented Department, when Progressive says "Initial" it means "FIRST", not "first" or "F.I.R.S.T." or even "FiRsT."   And, your first use of “initial” as adjective was meant to modify the word "policy" not "period."
     Ahh ... I get it now!  The party of the second part has no standing whatsoever with the party of the first part (with my sincere apologies to Groucho & Chico).
     If you'll pardon me, Karen, this is why you and your ilk have the rotten reputation (and getting rotten-er by the day) that you deserve.  You make up the rules as you go; you apply only what most benefits you, and if there's anything left at the end for the customer, it's not intentional.
     Here's my suggestion for your future customers (my name excluded).  You might put this on your page 24:
     "IF YOU CANCEL THIS POLICY AT ANY TIME, FOR ANY REASON, YOU WILL OWE US THIRTY DOLLARS."  I’d add “because we said so,” but that old toothless parental explanandum is a given.
     Try that.  And, you could knock off the cutesy qualifiers that give YOU all the wiggle room.  I mean, "Initial policy period”?  Geesh.  If you meant initial "policy," as you're now claiming, then why not say that?    Adding "period" to "initial policy" fractures the language and, as usual, leaves the customer holding the fee.
     Next spring I'll be regressing and returning to BikeLine, my other insurer, or who you might call my "prior first initial policy period primary underwriting agent.”  I had them for years before switching to Progressive; I always canceled my policy in the winter, (if you were a biker, you'd appreciate this) and they never charged a "fee."  I don't know what possessed me to switch to you, but for that, I'll accept the blame.
     Meanwhile, for humor’s sake (the only sake worth my wasting another syllable on you) let’s just call this whole episode “THE PROGRESSIVE PARTY REGRESSION."
     Of course, that title is subject to revision without notice in its "initial humor column draft form period".
     Because I said so, that’s why.
 
All best,
B. Elwin Sherman
****************
Hello, Mr. Sherman. 
 
     I reviewed the contract and notice that there was nothing mentioned about 60 days in relation to the cancel fee, as you referred to in your previous e-mail.
     I apologize for the confusion surrounding this issue, but a policy period is simply a 12-month term for motorcycles or a 6-month term for autos.  Your policy was in it's first (initial) term when you canceled it; for this reason the cancel fee applied.
     We understand that motorcycles are seasonal vehicles, and in many states the weather doesn't permit for riding.  This information is one of the factors used to help determine premium.
     We appreciate your feedback on the wording of the contract.  Again, I'm sorry for the confusion, and any inconvenience this has caused.

Sincerely,

Terral J.
Progressive Internet Representative
****************
Dear Terral J.
 
     Yikes.  I haven’t been subjected to that much condescension since … well … my first letter from you.  I’m so glad you understand that “motorcycles are seasonal vehicles,” statewide weather-permitting, and that you factor that into your premium calculations.
     Funny, I’d always thought that you used the dartboard-coinflip-Ouija Board-daddy-wants-a-bigger bonus-this-year method.
     As noted, and as expected, it's clear you're going to make up the rules and redefine the language as you go.  Now you've added initial “term” to justify charging me the inordinate fee.  So, we've gone now from “period” to “term.”  Now I understand:
     The first initial policy term is also equal to first initial policy period, except when it isn't the first policy, then neither applies for the second half of the first quarter of the Super Bowl.
     No need to "apologize for the confusion and inconvenience."  I'm not confused; I know exactly what you're doing, and if you're truly concerned about my convenience, you'll credit me back the $30.00.  (Give me a moment; I had to wipe my own spit-take off the monitor.)
     So, Terral J., if that really is a real person, you've done your duty and screwed me out of the fee.  You've also cost your company my policy renewal in the spring, but not to worry.  I'm sure when the time comes, we'll be bailing you out, too.  Just another short-sighted American corporation losing a dollar to pinch a dime.  Fools.
     Sincerely, and still initially in the first period of my policy term,
      
B. Elwin Sherman
***********

Dear Mr. Sherman,

     Thank you for contacting Progressive.  I appreciate this opportunity to assist you regarding the cancel fee:
     This fee covers the administrative expenses involved in canceling the policy during the first policy term (period) and is not refundable.
     I hope this is helpful.
 
Sincerely,

Claudia F.
Progressive Internet Representative
*************

Dear Claudia:
 
     This is getting more entertaining every minute.
     And, I've noticed that every letter from you is a different "Progressive Internet Representative."
     PIR.  I like that.  Makes me want to be one:  “B. Elwin Sherman, PIR, at your first initial policy period service.  How may I stiff you today?”
     But, consider, this might be one reason you have to invent fees, if it takes three PIR’s to offset the expense of double-speaking me into submission.  Rotating your flunky mouthpieces also keeps the customer a little off-balance (as it’s designed to do).  Smart policy on your part, the party of the first part.
     And, in this last round, you've now taken to responding in BOLD print and using a more cursory tone with me (cursory is fine, even appreciated, but I prefer italics for emphasis, underscored italics for the extreme emphasis, and underscored bold italics if I’m talking to a wall, but I’m liable to change that as I see fit, your preferred modus operandi.  Still a smart move, as you realize you’re running out of nouns and adjectives, and I’m always impressed when someone takes the time and consideration to hit that BOLD key.  Makes me feel SPECIAL.
     This has now worked itself into an overblown humor column, and like most of the world’s best humor, I hardly had to lift a bold finger.  It’s hard to beat real life for absolute hilarity.
     Let's see:  First Karen J., then Terral J., and now Claudia F.  Who's up next?  I can't wait.  When this has all been digested by my devoted reader subscribership, I’d wager that by spring you’ll have cost yourself a hundredfold more in lost premiums of what you screwed me out of because of your tunnel-visioned money-grubbing.
     Still, I remain a party of the second part of my now third initial policy term period nonrefundable cancellation process, and sincerely formerly yours,

B. Elwin Sherman, Honorary PIR

**************
(ADDENDUM:  There’s been no further response from any PIR at Progressive.  Should they care to follow-up and pay my initial standard fee of $30.00, I’ll print a full retraction.  For the first part of the policy term period, anyway.  Wait.  Cancel that.  I mean retroactive to the initial---ohthehellwithit.) 

Syndicated humor columnist writes from the New Hampshire north country. Copyright 2009 B. Elwin Sherman. All rights reserved. Used here with permission. This column is protected by intellectual property laws, including U.S. copyright laws. Electronic or print reproduction, adaptation, or distribution without permission is prohibited. Ordinary internet links to this column at Humorist-On-Loan may be distributed without written permission.