My YouTube Videos Gallery
"THE NEWS" ARCHIVES


Artsfest Network

MEMBER

NH Writers' Project

GUEST BOOK
COUNTDOWN

 

 The News . . . .

Sunday
21Jun

U.S. CONGRESSMAN ADMITS TO "SQUEAKY CLEAN" LIFE

Confesses To No Affairs, No Indiscretions, No Flirtations, No Vices

"Believe It Or Not, I'm Squeaky Clean," Declares California Pol

College Testimonial Confirms Congressman Brad Sherman's Unique Claim

() Disassociated Press

by B. Elwin Sherman -- The Washingtoneerian

WASHINGTON, DC (DP) -- U.S. Congressman Bradley J. "Brad" Sherman (D-CA), long-considered as never having any political future beyond his current job, today announced that he's "always been the most boring person I know."

He added: "I wish I had the two-timing, daring, hypocritical balls of a John Ensign, my Senate colleague, but I just don't. Heck, I could never even bring myself to cheat at solitaire."

He was referring to the Nevada Republican Senator who recently confessed to having an extramarital affair while maintaining a "strong family values" public profile.

Congressman Sherman's claim of a humdrum life of fidelity and devotion to duty was backed up by a former classmate at Harvard Law School:

"He's for real," states Hugh McIntyre, now a highly successful divorce lawyer in Dallas. "Brad never smoked, drank, or philandered. Boring? He could make a fencepost mute. We were roommates for a semester, and the most excited I ever saw him get was during his 'mock accountancy drill' when he'd audit his own tax return."

This report was confirmed by Congressman Sherman: "Yes, I remember Hugh. I did his tax returns one year. He spent all his time nailing anything that wasn't screwed down, or is that vice versa?"

Sherman, once a less-than-fiery and nearly forgettable member of the Subcommittee on Financial Institutions and Consumer Credit, has no immediate plans to change his lifestyle.

This is just fine with his wife, the former Ms. Lisa Nicola Kaplan, a foreign affairs officer for the U.S. Stage Department, and herself "the only other person in the world I know more boring than Brad."

She added:  "Sometimes I just pray for a cloudy day, just once.  Know what I mean?"

Stay tuned.

Thursday
21May

NEW HAMPSHIRE SENATOR SEEKS TO ARM BEARS IN NATIONAL PARKS

Law Would Protect Granite State's Bruins From Gun-Toting Tourists

Move Endorsed by Iconic Forestry Symbol

Smokey Bear: "Just in friggin' time."

() Disassociated Press

by B. Elwin Sherman -- Camping Outdoors Magazine

Washington, DC (DP) -- Fresh from the Congressional votes to restore a Bush Administration policy allowing loaded weapons in national parks, New Hampshire Republican Senator Judd Gregg introduced legislation today that would also allow one of the park system's most popular large animal residents to carry guns.

"Just in friggin' time," said Smokey Bear, United States Forest Service mascot. "Better two hundred years late than never."

Smokey cited the long-contested U.S. Constitution's Second Amendment, which reads in part: "bear arms."

"Read it and weep," said Smokey. "Doesn't take brain surgery on a rocket scientist to know that if the founding fathers had wanted raccoon arms, or muskrat arms, or porcupine arms, they would've said so. It's right there: 'BEAR arms.' Get a grip."

The proposed bill has already gathered an unlikely proponent -- Paul Helmke, president of The Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence -- who endorses the legislation "in spirit."

"Listen, we're the last people who want to put weapons in the hands of dumb animals, but that's never stopped Congress and the NRA before. At least now, this 'equalizer' may thin those elements of the human herd who shoot first and refuse to answer questions later."

Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.
Stay tuned.

Monday
11May

PICKED CLEAN BY JUSTFLOWERS.COM

Time out from the news spoofs, folks. Here's a real heads-up for anyone shopping for flowers. Chances are, if you've seen this picture on the right, you've been ripped off.

She appears on several websites, beginning with justflowers.com, (the one I used) and including these:

justflowers.com
florist.org
justgiftbaskets.com
flowerdelivery.com
flower.com
flower-shop.com
4florist.com
FlowerDelivery.com
ishop.com

(Check them yourselves; you'll find an eerie resemblance.)

Normally, when I shop online, I take the time to investigate any company's "complaint" file. I didn't do this with Justflowers.com and ... well ... my caveat (and my pocket) was emptored, and there are two disappointed ladies out there who didn't receive their Mother's Day gifts.

Just for future reference, if you're going to buy flowers? Use your local florist, because these sonsobitches are crooks.

Here's their "contact" form image.  Hard to believe, this little smiley innocent flower girl is a con-job, eh?: 

 

FOLKS:  IF YOU SEE THE LITTLE DARLING ABOVE, SIT ON YOUR WALLET!  Meanwhile, there'll be a special place in Hell for anyone who uses the "sentimentality" industry as a scam base. 

All best,

  El

Wednesday
22Apr

THE G-LIST: TOP TEN PEOPLE WHO SHOULD BE DEAD BY NOW

List Includes Has-Beens, Also-Rans And One-Hit Wonders

Tony Orlando Hopes For A Comeback With "Knock Four Times"

Boy George: "You Really DID Want To Hurt Me!"

() Disassociated Press

by B. Elwin Sherman -- Special To Glory Days Revue

HOLLYWOOD, CA (DP) -- It's not exactly a coveted prize, but inclusion on the annual Glory Days Revue's "Top Ten People Who Should Be Dead By Now" list has always sparked controversy. Some honorees protest, some threaten, and some have even expressed gratitude for finding themselves on the high-profile celebrity “G-List” (Gone) after decades of obscurity.

"Sure, we get calls from lawyers, but we get more from agents," says Frankie "Glitterdome" Curtoon, the self-deprecating originator of the list, who named himself its number one member when it first appeared in 1970.

Mr. Curtoon is still bitter from his experience with Tony Orlando and his songwriters. He recounts: “You remember the song, ‘Knock Three Times’? I helped co-write that, scratching out a lyric on a Big Boy Burger napkin. Larry Brown and Irwin Levine got the writing credits, but ‘twice on the pipe if the answer is no' is my line. Song-stealing hacks.”

He says that if Brown & Levine had gotten their way, the line would’ve been “twice on the pipe if you want me to blow,” and the world would’ve been spared another saccharin love anthem. "Glory-grabbing parasites,” he says, adding: "I've still got the Big Boy napkin. I'm thinking eBay, man. I'd make a fortune."

The Top Ten G-List this year is a veritable Who's Who of Who Shouldn’t Be. Curtoon supplied this reporter with hisbrief eulogies for each. Along with his comments, here are the nominees for this year’s G-List, given in descending order of notoriety:

10. Rush Limbaugh -- Say what you want about Rushbo, no one can beat the guy for earthly staying power after what he did to his body. There was a time he was gulping down enough narcotic analgesics every day to kill your average spirited racehorse. Still, it's time to hang up the mic, Rush-Man. Benny Hill had the decency to go quietly in obscurity. It’s time for the “King of Sting” to take wing.

9. Boy George --When Boy George, (born George Alan O’Dowd in 1961) asked “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me,” in 1982, I for one always answered yes! Anything that would’ve stopped him from singing! Well, Boy, you’ll be 48 in June, your Culture has been Clubbed, you’re in prison, and you may be unwittingly responsible for a generation of lost middle-agers driving around with Bluetooths in their ears. The chameleon’s karma is invisible, BG. Bye-bye.

8. Ann Coulter – Some might argue here that Ms. Coulter should be higher on the list. With my deepest apologies to Mark Antony and Octavian, I’d simply paraphrase: “It’s possible, Ann, that when you die, you will die without ever having been alive.” I only wish I could deliver that line like a Richard Burton did. Even a dead one.

7. Tony Orlando – It’s taken me years to come to this, almost the same amount of time Mr. Orlando has been a has-been. Yes, I’m still miffed about getting stiffed on the Knock Three Times royalties, but I really don’t blame Tony. Lately, he’s reduced himself to weight-loss commercials, and I’ve heard that he’s written “Knock Four Times” in an effort to revive his singing career and is looking for a new recording contract. Tony: It’s always darkest AFTER the Dawn. Cue the silence, please.

6. Henny Youngman – Come on, admit it: How many of you, like me, thought that he and his violin were still alive? Dead since 1998, I now discover. Right here, I’d cite what I thought was his best joke, especially for this distinction: Doctor gave a man six months to live, couldn’t pay his bill, gave him another six months. He always managed to look older younger and younger older. Still dead after all these years, here’s to you, sir. You may consider your mention here a badge of honor, and we know what you’d say: Take my life, please!

5. Jack LaLanne – Jack, you are the “Godfather of Fitness,”and yes, we all still love you, but you’re starting to make men half your age, like me, look like couch potato doughboys. Please, if you can’t die, just ease up a little with the enthusiasm. And, as a personal favor, on your Power Juicer commercial, if you could just once put a Whopper in there and yum it up. If you’re going to keep living, give us a little less guilt, okay?

4. John Ashcroft – There’s not much I can add here. Anyone who was beaten in an election by a dead guy should have cacked out himself after all the votes were in. Plus, he should just plain be dead because of all the people he makes wish they were dead whenever he sings.

3. Hugh Hefner – Please, Hef, if you can’t die, just lie down for an extended period. Sorry, but your iconic pajamas now seem like standard informalwear for a pre-clinical lower bowel diagnostic, and none of us even want to think about you getting turned on, unless it’s getting turned on your side. Before you go, however, I would like to personally thank you for providing the best discretionary pre-adolescent afternoons Iever spent. Sure beat fishing.

2. Michael Jackson -- It’s time to Beat It, the Thriller is gone, you’ve been Bad, it’s getting Dangerous, and you’re no longer Invincible. Once upon a time, when you sang You Got To Be There -- you were. Now you’re somewhere else. And, so is the world, which may now be your greatest obstacle. Right now, you wanna be stoppin’ something, Michael. We can’t bear the thought of seeing you in an Oldies reunion tour as an old man with a moonwalker.

1. Dick Cheney – No debate on who should be this year’s G-List top nominee for ex-air breather. Lately, Dick seems unable to notice that not only is he now nobody, but that nobody cares he’s nobody. Well, at least nobody who shouldn’t be anybody themselves. Sorry, Dick, but this is one deferment you won’t be granted. Congratulations on being drafted as this year’s Number #1 preferred stiff!

Stay tuned.

Tuesday
31Mar

TWITTER, MYSPACE, FACEBOOK, YOUTUBE MERGE TO FORM "H.E.L.L."

 

Ultimate Social Network -- Are you ready for ‘H.E.L.L.'?

Upscale New Site Will Cater To Dispossessed

"No Life? No Problem! Meet You In H.E.L.L.!"

( ) Disassociated Press

by B. Elwin Sherman -- TheCyberclap Journal

PALO ALTO, CA (DP) – If you’re one of the over 2.7 billion worldwide computer users now spending more than 50 percent of their waking hours communicating via online social networks, your ultimate cyber-host is coming this summer:

“Finally, here’s one place to have it all, when you sign-in to H.E.L.L.,” says Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg, who has reached a rumored 32-trillion dollar deal with YouTube, MySpace and Twitter that will merge the giant internet meeting places into one monstrous socio-cybernetic living room.  “Now, the whole world can go straight to H.E.L.L. on one be-all, end-all website.”

H.E.L.L. is Zuckerberg’s acronym for his new brainchild: "How Everything Lacks Life, and the idea came from a single e-mail he received from ManAlreadyDeadInside09, a devoted user of Facebook. “When I got this letter from him asking me ‘What in Hell do I have to live for anymore?’ I knew he was absolutely right, and that I needed to give him H.E.L.L.,” said Zuckerberg.

One of the radical new features available to select H.E.L.L. members will include “The Moodvie,” a downloadable revolutionary video application made possible by Zuckerberg’s new “click n’ sniff” technology.

The Moodvie will allow users who already now spend more than half their lives reporting the most boring, insignificant human inanities imaginable, to immediately translate these mind-numbing happenings into sense-sensitive videos.  This service will be restricted to H.E.L.L.'s Premier Premium Professional Advanced Privileged Deluxe Preferred Membership Upgrade Service Renewal subscribers.

“Take the case of ManAlreadyDeadInside09,” says Zuckerberg. “Now, with a Moodvie, when he feels compelled to tell his 3,124 friends in H.E.L.L. that he's sad because his smelly dog just showed up that morning at the breakfast table with its fur matted from an unknown substance, they’ll be able to see AND breathe it in as it happens.  Just imagine how they’ll benefit from this.  And, his fresh H.E.L.L. just might save his life.”

"It's H.E.L.L. on earth," says Zuckerberg behind a wry smile, "and it's about time." 

In a related story, a YouTube user recently posted "Meat Jesus,"  a 45-minute video "shot entirely inside a meat sandwich" (see photo insert).  The owner claims that an image of the Messiah would be visible if only you could see anything.

Stay tuned.